Women

There are many things about women that keep me puzzled, a bunch that keep me befuddled, and few that down right make me twist my head like a dog hearing a whistle.  To entertain the readers who were blessed to have in their possession a Y-chromosome, and enlighten those who don't, I submit the following:

Menstruation

Women have been cursed (or at least that's what the Bible says) to bleed once a month, and this is known as their menstrual cycle.  As legend has it, this is the time when women are most ripe for fertilization.  With hormones raging, the body swelling with the retention of water, and irritability at an all time high it's a wonder the human race has survived this long!  This is just another example of women blowing things COMPLETELY out of proportion for attention.  So your body releases ONE egg that falls out of your hatchery (also see ovary), slides down your egg chute (also see fallopian tubes), and ends up in your baby basket (also see uterus) and you bleed and whine for days on end.  Really ladies???  Is all that REALLY necessary?  Each time a man releases his seeds for conception you don't see our bodies bleeding all over the place, and we're literally sending out MILLIONS of little soldiers at a time. This is just like the workplace.  Women want special treatment for doing subsequently less than a man.  Not to mention that you only do this once a month.  Men are able to handle this task many times a month with at best only a grunt or moan.  Men are so tough about it we sometimes even do it for fun.  Come on ladies, it's time to drop the charade and just come clean and say you just want special treatment!

Childbirth

Again, I understand that it's painful.  I've witnessed this first hand, and while I sympathize with the whole ordeal, you just have to understand that that's how equality works.  Relationships are about give and take.  Men do their part by planting the child inside you.  The LEAST you can do is to send it back out when it's done!  I mean, how selfish are you people?!?!?

Problems

This is a note from all men to all women: Either tell me your problems because you want me to help fix it, or don't tell me your problems.  What kind of insane person would rather say their problems out loud to another person and not want any help?  That's lunacy!  That's tantamount to telling your mechanic all of the problems you are having with your car, and then just drive away.  How is that helpful???

For the ladies that have actually finished reading this blog, I applaud you.  You are the chosen ones who understand nonsensical banter and know sarcasm when you see it.  Do I believe all of the stuff above?  Not all of it (let me fix your problems please!), so don't get all emotional and start leaving scathing comments below about how insensitive I am, and how I don't understand.  They're just JOKES!  If you don't find them funny, then you might be needing a pad soon!

What Are You Posting?

As I scroll through the many status updates on Facebook, I find that I continually asking myself the same question, "What are you posting?"  Here are a few of the types of things that irk me:

1.  Exercise Updates.  Why are you posting these?  No one cares how far you ran or biked, how many hours you spent in the gym, or any other exercise update.  If you are doing it to keep track of your progress, just don't publish it.  When that little app you use comes up and asks you if you'd like to publish to Facebook, just click no.  I promise you that you'll still get the same health benefits from what you do whether you post it to Facebook or not.

2.  Meals.  Why do you feel the need to update people on what meal you are eating?  Unless you are using it to entice me to come over for dinner, don't post it.  No one cares what you are eating, and care even less that you were the one who made that meal!  Where is this going to stop?  Are pictures of the ingredients that lead to the meal up next?  Are photos of your subsequent bowel movements on deck to prove that not only did you eat that meal, but your body was able to process it as well?

3.  Click "Like" If...  These are some of the worst.  "Click Like if you love your grandma."  "Click Like if you hate Hitler."  "Click Like if you think someone giving you money is a good thing."  You people are social terrorists!  The premise behind your need to post these things are to say, "Either click Like or you do not support the thing I'm asking you to Like."  So what you are telling me is that the only way to prove that I'm against child rape is to click the Like button, and if I don't then I must be for it?  What kind of perverse set-up are you people trying to achieve with this type of Shenanigans?  Instead, to prove your loyalty to some of the apparently controversial topics such as loving your mother, sister, husband, Jesus, etc, why not just make a post that which you feel passionately about and stop trying to guilt the rest of us into pushing the Like button to suit your sick need for inclusion.

4.  Vague Comments.  Please stop talking AROUND topics.  If you feel the need to post something on a specific topic, but don't wish to reveal that specific topic, maybe publicly posting it is not the forum you should use.  Instead, why not either send that as a private message to the one other person in the world that knows what the hell you are talking about, or just keep that shit to yourself.  Example: "I hate when certain people feel that it is okay to not invite certain other people to a certain event happening this Saturday, but feel the need to go behind that person's back and talk about them not being involved."  WTF?!?!?!  If you aren't man/woman enough to just come out and directly say what you are feeling and put someone on blast publicly, then keep that stuff to yourself!

While these are but a few of the examples of things that bother me when I read Facebook, it is most certainly not an all inclusive list.  As I encounter more things, I'll write subsequent blogs addressing those items.  For those of you who do these things, I hope you've learned just how unnecessary and irritating you've been and this is the catalyst to help you change for the better.  For those of you who agree, make sure you "Like" this blog or that means you love Hitler!